It’s not your brothers fault.

Dear Lilly,

The day you were born, everything in my world changed. We knew we were having a little girl and I couldn’t have possibly been more excited for that. I just couldn’t wait to be your Mama. Of course, we would’ve been happy with any baby, but large part of my heart had longed to have a daughter since I was a little girl myself.

My girl.

My girl.

They placed you on my chest and from there our bond was forged. It has continued to grow over the last four and half years as you have become a little girl, full of life, personality and the right amount of attitude. However, lately I have felt like that bond has been tested.

Just under one year ago, our whole world changed again. Your little brother Colton joined our family. Likewise, I felt an instantly fierce mama bear love the moment I held him. And although I love you both equally and unconditionally, there is a subtle difference in the way it feels.

You, my girl, smile with this bright look and hug with all your might. I fall in love with you each and every morning. You have expanded my heart in ways I didn’t think possible. Your brother, with his bashful grin and need to burrow himself into my shoulder, acts as though he is trying to steal my heart everyday.

I honestly don’t know if that is a mother-daughter, mother-son thing. Or if it is simply a difference in the people you each are. I just know it has an impact on the relationships I have with each of you. He simply seems to need me more. That may be an obvious statement, since he is still a baby. But even in comparison to who you were as a baby, Cole is a bit less independent and more attached to me.

In the past year I can’t tell you how many times you have heard the phrase “I’m sorry hunny, your brother needs me.”

I have missed so many bedtimes because I was pumping milk or taking care of Cole. I have cuddled with you less, carried you less and played with you less. Very quickly, you had to go from barely out of toddlerhood to a little girl. You have handled it beautifully. You have been kind to Colton and helpful to me. You have made me so incredibly proud.

But this transition hasn’t happened without its emotional moments. The worst for me was when you sat beside me one day on the couch, looked me in the eyes through your tears and said, “You never play with me anymore because you’re too busy with Colton. You never have time for me anymore.”

And while I know you love him and adore watching him grow, there are times that you have found him trying. Times when you have rolled your eyes, or sighed in exasperation as he pushes you away from me or cries for my attention. There are times when you have cried over your lack of time with me. And my heart breaks for you.

Baby girl, I want you to know that none of this was ever your brother’s fault. I actually think you already know and understand that, but I wanted to say it in writing. Mama was so busy with Colton because I wanted to make sure that he got the same love and attention that your father and I were able to give you when you were a baby.

Going from one child to two is a bigger adjustment than I anticipated, but it is completely worth it. I am blessed enough to have two beautiful and amazing little people to call my own. There is nothing more important to me in this world than being your Mama. And although you now share your Mama with Colton, you will always be the one that made me a Mama in the first place.

This past year has been a learning curve for all of us. I had a lot to learn when I became your Mama, but this time I had you watching me while I learned how to become a Mama to someone else as well. I will forever remember the patience, support and love you have shown, all while becoming the intuitive young lady you are now.

Ideally speaking, one day you choose to know how amazing having children really is. And that your heart will feel as full and perfect as mine does now.

The pursuit of happiness for my writer soul.

Writing is like breathing quote

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I am a writer.

I have known that simple fact the majority of my life. I have been writing for as long as I can remember. I had my first story published in my school year book when I was in first grade. It was short story, 8 sentences or so, about seeing ants with a fellow student.

It may not sound like much, but hey, I was 6 years old. I still remember the day my teacher told me she was going to be submitting for printing in the school yearbook. This was a big deal. Great one students did not get their work published in the school yearbook. My teacher had been impressed with my six-year-old ability to form sentence structure, create a plotline, and develop characters, all on my own.

By the age of 16, I had decided that I would not likely pursue writing professionally. I also decided that I would not likely pursue acting or singing, which I also loved. Don’t get me wrong, I did apply for journalism and english at several different college and college/university programs around the province. I got accepted to almost all of them. However I turned them down.

The bottom line is that I wanted to get the hell out of Dodge. I was terrified that I if I pursued anything to do with the arts, I would be left as a struggling, job-less writer/actor/singer who would wind up back in my small town, working at Tim Hortons, serving the morning coffee to my piece-of-shit ex-stepfather every morning.

So instead I pursued the business side of writing. I applied for advertising at several schools and got accepted. As I predicted, I was able to obtain a job in the field of advertising and marketing right out of college. I have since built a decent ten-year career in traditional and digital marketing. While I love what I do, and I want to continue doing it, I also feel that I need to get back to the core of my writer soul.

I started this blog nearly 4 years ago as a way to do just that. It is a place for me to share what I want to share. No rules to adhere to. No corporate image to uphold. Just my voice, in my space.

I have always used this blog to write for me, first and foremost. However, I do enjoy working on sponsored content, giveaways, product reviews, etc. It’s in my blood as a seasoned marketer.  I also use this space to share funny moments and photos with my family. My balance of content has always been on the latter, since this is primarily a place for me to capture memories and share my experiences in parenting.

A good old Moleskine.

A good old Moleskine.

What I haven’t used this space for much, is the core writing pieces that challenge me. The more lengthy, essay style posts that are full of opinions and stellar wordsmithing. I have done a few and I am very proud of them, but I want to do more.

To use an analogy, I feel like I writer who does warm-ups and sprints regularly, but has completed only a few marathons.

And so here I stand, declaring my 2015 goal (which I refuse to call a resolution) to write more challenging posts. I am going to start with a goal of 1 per month and hope to reach 1 per week by the end of the year. I think this is achievable. I used to be a very fast writer. Just as a runner can increase their time with each race, I will complete more marathon style posts until they once again feel like second nature.

To sum it up hashtag style, I am going to #ReclaimMyWritersSoul.

I might write long-winded opinion posts on something controversial or current in the news. I might write passionate posts about various causes I am involved in. I will certainly write lengthy and heartfelt pieces to or about my children, which I can share with them when they are older. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a lot to say. All of the time.

I have never been accused of being too quiet. Ideally speaking, this blog will start reflecting that. 

Wordless Wednesday: My gorgeous babies.

It has been a crazy few weeks over here in my life. There have been some MAJOR changes, all of which are awesome. But all of which are challenging and time consuming. Hopefully I will be able to share the big news soon.

Until then, I figured a general update is in order. My poor blog has been neglected the last few weeks, but in the meantime, I have snagged a few new favourite photos of my little monsters. It amazes me how they are each their own people, yet still look so much alike (and like Daddy!). They both have these incredible blue eyes and big pinchable cheeks.

He's so bright eyed...after a night of terrible sleep for mom and dad.

He’s so bright eyed…after a night of terrible sleep for mom and dad.

This is how it goes now, trying to shoot Cole's monthly photo...

This is how it goes now, trying to shoot Cole’s monthly photo…

My beautiful little lady. Who had to have ALL her hair up, since Cole kept pulling it. Brothers.

My beautiful little lady. Who had to have ALL her hair up, since Cole kept pulling it. Brothers.