Dear Lilly,
The day you were born, everything in my world changed. We knew we were having a little girl and I couldn’t have possibly been more excited for that. I just couldn’t wait to be your Mama. Of course, we would’ve been happy with any baby, but large part of my heart had longed to have a daughter since I was a little girl myself.
My girl.
They placed you on my chest and from there our bond was forged. It has continued to grow over the last four and half years as you have become a little girl, full of life, personality and the right amount of attitude. However, lately I have felt like that bond has been tested.
Just under one year ago, our whole world changed again. Your little brother Colton joined our family. Likewise, I felt an instantly fierce mama bear love the moment I held him. And although I love you both equally and unconditionally, there is a subtle difference in the way it feels.
You, my girl, smile with this bright look and hug with all your might. I fall in love with you each and every morning. You have expanded my heart in ways I didn’t think possible. Your brother, with his bashful grin and need to burrow himself into my shoulder, acts as though he is trying to steal my heart everyday.
I honestly don’t know if that is a mother-daughter, mother-son thing. Or if it is simply a difference in the people you each are. I just know it has an impact on the relationships I have with each of you. He simply seems to need me more. That may be an obvious statement, since he is still a baby. But even in comparison to who you were as a baby, Cole is a bit less independent and more attached to me.
In the past year I can’t tell you how many times you have heard the phrase “I’m sorry hunny, your brother needs me.”
I have missed so many bedtimes because I was pumping milk or taking care of Cole. I have cuddled with you less, carried you less and played with you less. Very quickly, you had to go from barely out of toddlerhood to a little girl. You have handled it beautifully. You have been kind to Colton and helpful to me. You have made me so incredibly proud.
But this transition hasn’t happened without its emotional moments. The worst for me was when you sat beside me one day on the couch, looked me in the eyes through your tears and said, “You never play with me anymore because you’re too busy with Colton. You never have time for me anymore.”
And while I know you love him and adore watching him grow, there are times that you have found him trying. Times when you have rolled your eyes, or sighed in exasperation as he pushes you away from me or cries for my attention. There are times when you have cried over your lack of time with me. And my heart breaks for you.
Baby girl, I want you to know that none of this was ever your brother’s fault. I actually think you already know and understand that, but I wanted to say it in writing. Mama was so busy with Colton because I wanted to make sure that he got the same love and attention that your father and I were able to give you when you were a baby.
Going from one child to two is a bigger adjustment than I anticipated, but it is completely worth it. I am blessed enough to have two beautiful and amazing little people to call my own. There is nothing more important to me in this world than being your Mama. And although you now share your Mama with Colton, you will always be the one that made me a Mama in the first place.
This past year has been a learning curve for all of us. I had a lot to learn when I became your Mama, but this time I had you watching me while I learned how to become a Mama to someone else as well. I will forever remember the patience, support and love you have shown, all while becoming the intuitive young lady you are now.
Ideally speaking, one day you choose to know how amazing having children really is. And that your heart will feel as full and perfect as mine does now.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.