This week could not have possibly been any busier. I am, without a doubt, complete and utterly exhausted. In fact if I am being honest, I would rather be sleeping right now, rather than blogging.
But, the baby is napping and I need to capitalize on the limited time I have.
And there it is. The whole reason for this post. Will I ever, in the next 18 years, get a bit more than limited time?
This has been building for a while, especially when work gets really hectic and I spend literally every waking moment either taking care of Lilly or working. Don’t get me wrong, I love every moment I spend with her. I also love my job. I just would also love some occasional time to do the little things…like working out more than once every 2 weeks…or painting my nails…or getting my damned hair cut (my attempt yesterday failed when I ran out of time).
And this is where I turn into the typical ranting wife. My husband is fantastic. He’s an amazing father and a very loving husband. He really is a huge help around the house and with Lilly…but mostly when I’m either at work or here with them. I know its mostly just the difference between moms and dads. It’s easier for them to be away then it is for us. 99% of the time, if I go out (which I do get to often enough) it is always just to a girlfriends place and it is almost always after Lilly is already in bed. That is largely my own fault because I feel guilty taking time. I know that. I guess I just get a bit jealous.
He has had a trip to Cuba, a couple nights of all night drinking with the boys (where he was last night), a few nights where Lilly and I went away and countless evenings of hockey games…..and I have spent ONE night away since she was born….
Don’t misunderstand, he doesn’t take advantage of me. I have never said no and I wouldn’t. I want him to get that time. I just wish I could take some of that time too. I want to be able to go out while the baby is awake…for more than work…to spend some time on me. Maybe get my damned hair cut! And I don’t want to feel guilty for it.
I think that is the catch. As mothers we don’t get to have our guilt-free cake and eat it too. Maybe it’s a matter of being better organized or maximizing the time I am away. Doing things right after work so I can still get home for Lilly…I’m really not sure.
I just know I need to have my hair cut at least once in the next 18 years.
And on that note, Lilly is awake and crying…so much for moving to one 3 hour nap…I couldn’t have planned this timing better if I tried.
Ideally speaking, I would have an on call nanny…who doubles as a housekeeper, editor, manicurist… and of course, a hairdresser….so I can finally get my damned hair cut!
Yandie, Goddess of Pickles. says
hmm.. I could tell you what worked for me but I don’t think you want to go that route. Hubby seems like a pretty stand up guy, so getting divorced is probably not an option you’re looking for. (however, it DID mean a lot of me-time.. every second weekend. I call it my consolation prize)
Letting go of the guilt is a difficult thing to do, but it’s better to feel a bit of guilt for taking time for yourself (because although mom is an important part of who you are, it’s not all you are) than to feel resentment for NOT having that time to yourself.
And it DOES get easier as they get older. It won’t be forever.